Overheard at work today

"We were driving behind someone today when they stopped in the middle of the road, just stopped!"

"Why did they stop?"

"I don't know, but we honked, and when they didn't move, we went around them, and then..they fingered us!"

An entry that is mostly all-caps because I'm THAT MAD!

It was an outrage.

There is no other word for it. The anger that I felt was so intense I almost threw something. I've never yelled at an employee before, but last night took the Oreo Blizzard ice-cream cake, if you will.

Post-Baccalaureate we went to Dairy Queen because, like a good sibling I sat through a ceremony where my brother got all the attention, thus I needed to be positively rewarded for good behavior. It was just like when I got a Cabbage Patch doll for being quiet during G's baptism, or when I got a puppy for agreeing to have my wisdom teeth out. What can I say, my parents strike a mean bargain.

Anyway, my mom got a sundae and I ordered a vanilla cone dipped in rainbow sprinkles. Emphasis on the dipped in. So, the DQ people make my mom's sundae, looks normal. They then hand me a plain Vanilla cone, and a CUP with one spoonful of sprinkles in it. If you know me at all, you would know that I am serious about my sprinkles. I have been known to just eat them straight out of the shaker, because I am THAT serious about sprinkles.

In defense of my right to sprinkles, something had to be said. Here is the conversation that transpired:

Me: "Um, actually I wanted the sprinkles ON the cone, thanks."
DQ: "Well, we're not supposed to do it that way because it wastes sprinkles."
Me: "But I'm the customer, and I want them ON the cone."
DQ: "We can't."
Me: "But I ordered a SPRINKLE cone. Not a PLAIN cone with sprinkles ON THE SIDE!"
Me: Insert nasty and penetrating glare here.
Other DQ person: "Oh I'll DO it."
Me: "Thanks, have a nice evening!"

Meanwhile, as this was taking place, my mom was standing to the side making nasty and penetrating glares at ME, cursing herself that she had raised a child so assertive that she would yell at Dairy Queen workers over something as small as sprinkles.

I guess my mom doesn't know how serious I am about sprinkles. Also, I didn't know how serious my mom was about the discipline - I don't get to play with my Cabbage Patch doll for a whole week now.

Save the pandas! (and Noam Chomsky)

"Human beings like to rescue cute, fuzzy little things - like baby pandas. They're very charismatic, the pandas."

I quote directly from one of my professors. This is also the same man who refers to Noam Chomsky as "The Noamster."

Make of it what you will.

I hope it's not contagious

Disclaimer:
This is an actual conversation that happened in my dining room at 9:00 a.m. this morning. In telling you, I am assuming that you remember I live with 20 girls, three housekeepers, one house mom, an old repair man, and a part-time chihuahua named Stella. You've been warned.

The Cast:
B - House mom who spends inordinate amounts of time smoking and trying to convince us to redecorate by making all the furniture purple, paisley or a combination thereof.

John - Old repair man with lisp. Drinks Mountain Dew like it's his job, which maybe it is, because that bathroom we're paying him for is still not done.

Me - I like shiny things and I write this blog. Also, I eat bagels for breakfast. This will be important for later.

Ashley - Sorority sister who lives down the hall. Enjoys sports, sleeping, and making me squirm.

The Scene:
John - "Well, I think we need 100-watt lightbulbs. Those last the longest."
B - "Well the ones we have in there now don't last very long at all. Those advertisers decieved me!"
Me - Silently and innocently eating a bagel and cream cheese.
Enter Ashley, wearing sunglasses.
Me - "Hey Ash, why are you wearing your sunglasses in the house?"
Ashley - "Well, my eyes are infected, and so I'm really light-sensitive right now."
B - "Is it conjunctivitis? Because my son-in-law had that, and his eyes were pink and gooey and-"
Me - Staring at and no longer eating a bagel and cream cheese.
Ashley - "Well I don't think they're very conjuctivy yet..."
Me - "People I am EATING!"
B - "Well it was just the most awful thing I ever saw in my life, that's all I'm saying."
John - "So did you still want 100-watt?"

I hope she doesn't pass it along to the dog. She already had mites, I don't think she can handle any more.

Gariel Scharoner?

More fun slips from the land of Political Science (ie, land of those who like to hear themselves talk incessantly - what fun!)

In my American Government and Politics class yesterday, we were discussing the newly elected female (whoo!) president of Liberia, the newly elected female (whoo again!) Chancellor of Germany, and how Ariel Sharon has blinked twice and nothing else in the past few days. Below is the actual conversation that ensued:

Kid: "Is Ariel Sharon still trying to share power with that lady who got elected?"

Professor: "I'm sorry?"

Kid: "Well, since that lady got elected to be the chancellor, Ariel Sharon is pretty mad, so he wanted to share the job with her."

Professor: "Ariel Sharon is comatose, he hasn't been real emotional lately. Do you mean the Chancellor of GERMANY, Gerhard Schroeder?"

Kid: "Um, yeah I guess I do..."

I thought the girl next to me was going to pee her pants. If I go to hell for making fun of these people, at least I won't be alone.

And you think your family is crazy...

I have a great aunt (who will remain nameless, mostly for the sake of propriety, and also because you just never know where she will turn up) who is, basically, that crazy relative that every family is blessed to have.

She's not crazy I-live-in-a-cabin-alone-in-the-woods crazy. More, I-live-alone-with-my-cat-who-I-named-after-a-Chinese-opera-star crazy. And don't even get me started on the hats...

So every year, this aunt sends out a Christmas letter. A nice sentiment, but you're thinking "What does a single woman in her mid-70s talk about in a Christmas letter?" Well, lucky you - I'm about to reveal:

If you want to know the order of priorities in the Christmas letter, they go like this: Convention Center, Art Museum, Southglenn mall, new siding (flip the page) her Christmas tree, my grandma, the family ( seven paragraphs down, in case you were wondering) her new digital camera (she's been having a great time) her house and 'statuary' and Cherry Creek Mall.

Here's what's worse - somehow, she manages to insult someone in the letter every year. Usually, it's just the requisite blurb about what we're up to (Hilary has joined a sorority, ha ha!) But this year, it was worse. It happened to my mom's cousin Shawn. Shawn is, quite possibly, the nicest member of the family. He didn't inherit the sarcasm gene, and also managed to escape the I-talk-waay-too-much gene. And when he lived in Denver, he drove my aunt around all the time. But here's what she had to say about him this year:

"Shawn the middle boy lives in Nebraska and is single...he has his own little house and seems to be content there."

Points of contention on behalf of Shawn, because Lord knows the man wouldn't stick up for himself:
1. Shawn the "middle boy" is now in his 40s. Can we say word choice?
2. Is single. So is she. How would she like it if we brought that up in our Christmas letter?
3. Seems to be content. How content is he going to be after he finds out he was just insulted in a two page letter where Victorian trees get higher billing?

Separate points of contention, entirely unrelated to the cousin Shawn issue:
1. Apparently I have done nothing of regard since high school (except join a sorority. Ha ha!) I don't have two jobs or a double major or anything. It's cool.
2. Spouses who married into the family get no mention whatsoever. My Aunt Donna didn't have two boys, Uncle Kurt did - a medical miracle!
3. The siding on the house is more important than the family mentions. I am calling for a story restructure ASAP.
4. The paragraph about the digital camera is entirely true. She has, indeed, been having a great time. However, the day she photographed me standing in the bathroom looking for a nail file is when I realized that I was definitely not having a great time.

But on the plus side, that bear statue in front of the Convention Center is "amazing!!!"

Actual Conversation

"I'll have the Swiss oatmeal. After all, if it's Swiss, you know it has to be good."

"And why is that, exactly?"

"Think about it: chocolate, army knives, banking, mocha, luggage. Those Swiss people are good at everything!"

"Uh-huh..."

My birthday, basically

"Hilary, you cannot hold your alcohol."
"I don't need to hold it, I can carry it in my purse."

And...

"I need a tiara from Wal-Mart RIGHT NOW!"
"I think they're sold out of princess crowns, it's Halloween."
"Not a fake one, a real one! They're back by the yarn..."

Also...

"What are you for Halloween?"
"Intoxicated."

Finally...

"This is Michael, he is always on his phone because he thinks he is the president of the FUCKING WORLD!!!"
"Please do censor yourself. Just because you're the birthday princess, doesn't mean you get to be rude."
"If I was really a princess you would buy me a tiara."

"Melinda, go to the temple!"


Many thanks to my friends for putting up with me, laughing with me, and for picking me up- both from the bars, and from off the floor, while I was a wailing, tiara-less Holly Golightly.

We're so busy and productive here

Here was my day at the office today:

Cori: "There were two peanuts walking down a scary street at night. One was assaulted..."
Me: "A salted? Assaulted? I get it! But wait, what if he had been honey roasted? This would not have been nearly as funny..."
Cori: "Don't take this away from me, it's all I have! Have I told you the one about the pants?"
Me: "Why is Lindsay wearing antennae?"

I fully realize that this is only funny to me, Cori, and possibly Linds. Such is life at OCSS. I'd probably get more done if we didn't have two fire drills IN ONE DAY! I can't work like this.

photo of the day: "I'm nonchalantly going to wear these antennae to see if anyone notices..." c. Hilary Davis