Dining Hall chicken is as real as it's gettin'

Last night was my little brother's Baccalaureate ceremony, which is like the more sentimental, slightly funny, with a touch of religion ceremony, as opposed to Graduation, which is tonight. More on my emotional suffering later.

One thing I have dreaded about G's graduation is not that he is growing up and leaving home, although there is that, too. No, it's more the fact that I will have to sit through FIVE student speeches, all of which begin with the student looking out into a sea of faces, they can't believe they made it, or how words cannot express what they are feeling right now.

My words can express, and here is what I am expressing to you, dear and innocent 18 year olds:

.The "Real World" doesn't exist in college either, unless you are skipping your morning class and you decide to watch it on MTV because you aren't sufficiently dressed to go out in public.

.Keeping the above in mind, "public" refers to anywhere OFF campus, so feel free to lunch in your pjs five days a week if you feel so inclined.

."Achieving greatness" is, well, great. But achieving the status of being the only person in your hall to have watched the entire "Newlyweds" marathon? Priceless!

.Making a difference in the world is as easy as helping your roommate to throw up IN the toilet, not beside it. Small, but that cleaning lady will love you love you love you in the morning time.

.Bike police are wannabe real policemen, and as long as you out-bike them, you get off scot free!

.Don't underestimate the good stuff that you have going for you at home: Free kleenex and toilet paper, especially. Again, tissues are not something to ponder when you are thinking about the big things in life, but when you have spring allergies and a conspicuously empty box, all of a sudden, the Puffs play a pretty dominant role in your life.

.There is no adult supervision. You can use this for good or evil, but since college has little to no real ramifications for major screw-uppage, I would suggest evil. At least once.

.No matter how much you miss home at first, the homesickness gets better, you make more friends, and you eventually find your niche. And until that point, enjoy the free dorm cable and don't forget to buy extra Kleenex.